But I want an oompa loompa now!!!

Having one of those Veruca Salt weeks - I want it all, and I want it now!!!!

Work has been tough. I took a new position 6 months ago, and I'm still not comfortable with it. I'm not the "best" at anything. There are 3 of us doing the same job - one is better than me technically, and the other is better with the business acumen. I'm good at both... but I'm not the best at either. I can't stop beating myself up for every little mis-step. I know once I know my stuff, and get up to speed, I'll be the most well-rounded... but for now I just feel not quite good enough. Had major problems with a work project this week, and I'm drained. It doesn't help when the boss says "you're the best at documentation" - instead of making me feel good about the clarity of my communications... it makes me feel like I'm the secretary of my counterparts. I know it's not meant that way, but my confidence is shot.

And of course, working 70+ hours means I haven't made it to the gym in 6 days. Depressing. It's another case of I want it, and I want it now. The changes just don't seem to be coming fast enough. In my head, I know I've lost 25 lbs this year... but I look in the mirror and I still see someone who is obese.

Ugh. That's all I've got.. ugh. Okay ladies, help me out... how do you drive home "patience" and change your perception of things when you know you aren't quite seeing the word as it is, but you're own skewed view?

I'm not too late!!!

Pic to follow soon, but I'm so excited I can't hold the post for the pic. I'm not too late! Audrey II has another bud that's growing - I may actually get to see her bloom this year!

I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad!

Meet my favorite plant, affectionately known as Audrey II (A2 for short). Umm... if anyone reading this isn't a total theater/musical geek... please rent Little Shop of Horrors. Please?

A2 is hideous. She's taken over my entire bay window. Usually I tuck all of the tendrils back behind the drapes, or else you see this...

Some of those tendrils or branches, or well, let's face it - they look like tentacles, are over 5 feet long. I wanted to make sure I'm not exaggerating - so I measured. The one on the left is 5 foot, 3 inches. Very, very close to my height. There are weird spiky "things" that are up and down the tendrils. A2 is a fugly plant and the more she grows, the more disturbing she looks.

So why keep the monstrosity in the bay window? If I must keep it, why isn't she locked away in a room where no one can see her?

Audrey II was my Dad's. His father, (Poppy), only brought two things with him when he traveled from Equador to the United States in 1920. This plant, and a machete for cutting sugar cane. The plant is probably close to 100 years old. Poppy loved all of his plants, always had beautiful gardens and fruit trees. Whenever I visited him, he'd take me all around the yard explaining how to nurture each one. He was a sweet, sweet man - the same temperament as my Dad. Nonny... well, not so much. It's the men in the family who are sweet. The women are strong and fierce and more than a little prickly. But the men love them for some beauty that not every one can see... much like Audrey II.

She's a night blooming cereus, Reina de la Noche, Queen of the Night. A type of flowering cactus. They're nocturnal blooms that only last a single evening. Supposedly they're beautiful flowers that have a very strong aroma. They're supposed to look like this -

I wouldn't know from personal experience. I've never seen ours bloom. Never. Dad only got her to bloom once, in the early 70's, before he met my mom. There's a picture somewhere of Dad standing next to her at night, with all of the blooms. But we've never been able to reproduce it. So poor Audrey II has been stuck as an ugly plant that everyone complains about. Mom is always after me to trim her back some. My husband "jokes" that he's scare of the plant. I don't really think it's a joke. Me, I love her. I always hope that just water and letting her be will induce flowers. I've read up on what to do, what not to do... and I just leave her alone. She gets a quart of water every week, and that's about it. Every two weeks in the winter to keep her dormant.

She's one of the few things I have left of my Dad's. When Mom lost the house, I got Audrey II, my Dad's favorite kayaking hat that made him look like an Australian farmer, and an antique ice chest that's in my dining room (the hooch hutch!). I have plenty of memories, but not a lot of sentimental keepsakes.

Where's this all going? Well... darling Baron is in Vegas this weekend for Defcon. I'm home alone, just me and the dog. A few days ago I noticed a funny smell in the living room. Not a bad smell, just not the smell of home. Slightly musky. It's been driving me nuts. Today after work I went searching for the smell.

I found this...


The remnants of a single bloom. I missed it. She hasn't bloomed in almost 40 years, and I missed the one night she did. I sobbed. Hysterically. For an hour. I called my mother sobbing, and I couldn't speak, just sobbed like a child on the phone. She thought something had happened to my husband, and then she almost choked laughing when she realized what happened. Monday was Dad's birthday. Next week is the third anniversary of his passing. And his plant finally bloomed.

In typical "Mayor of Crazytown" fashion... she's slightly annoyed with me. This is a direct quote... "Dad always talks to you more than he talks to me". The logical part of me knows that I just let the plant be long enough to bloom. They like to be left alone. It takes 5 years worth of leaf growth before they'll bloom, and they like to be pot bound. Perfect houseplant for someone with a brown thumb. But the little girl in me is heartbroken that it was a gift from Dad that I didn't see in time to appreciate. Sigh.

Remember Madeline?

Well she and I have finally been spending some quality time together. Last weekend I had a 7 mile ride and an 8.5 mile ride. Yesterday we did 11.5 miles on the Hop River Trail, and today we did the full 7.8 miles of linear trail in Southington (part of the Farmington Canal Greenway).

I must confess, I had no intention of doing the full trail today. I had already walked for 40 mins with the Mayor in the morning, and have an evening walk planned with Baron. I thought I could go for a really quick bike ride this afternoon - everything I read stated that it was only a 1.9 mile trail, which would be a little less than 4 miles by the time I was done. No brainer - a 20-25 mins bike ride. Ummm... little did I know that they extended the trail by 2 miles this year. Oops!

I think I mentioned that I started WW this week. For probably the 15th time. I'm very hopeful, it feels different this time. I feel different this time. I've figured out that while I want to lose weight, that's no longer my motivation. I want to be healthy.

It seems to be the year for reflection. Maybe it's just that many of us are starting to stare down another year evenly divisible by 10, maybe it's that we're going through major life changes, maybe it's just the overall mood of the state after such a tough economic turn and then a brutal winter. But it seems to come up every time I get together with friends. We're getting older, our bodies don't work the way they used to, and it's either now or never.

Yes, I need to lose 50 lbs. Yes, I'm going to be 40 this year. Neither of those things alone is bothering me. I'm bothered that I have at least 4 major flags to coronary disease. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm very, very scared of being sick. I've never really had health issues, but the thought of stroke, heart attack, diabetes, are constantly playing through my mind.

Major indicators of future coronary disease:

• BMI over 30 - check! I hate admitting to this one, but I've been hovering between 30-32 for the better part of the last decade
  
• Waist circumference over 35 (duh, I'm a classic "apple" shape and obese)
• Smoker
  
• High cholesterol - I was tested last year, and my triglycerides are through the roof, as well as high bad cholesterol and low good
• Hereditary heart disease - nothing I can do about this one. But my paternal grandmother had quadruple bypass at age 40. 2 of the other grandparents had Type 2 diabetes. My mother and aunt both had high cholesterol and high blood pressure by the time they were 50. Genetic cesspool.

It's enough to leave me scared. What I want from the next year of my life:

• BMI under 30 by the big 40. Not sure if this is doable. It's about 10% weight loss in 12 weeks. While that might not be a big deal for most people... I didn't get this way by eating small portions and exercising.
  
• BMI under 25 by June 2012. Very reasonable. A slow steady 1 pound per week would get me there. The weight loss itself is reasonable, it's the motivation to stick with it that could cause problems.
• Become physically active. I know this is a little nebulous, so I thought about what I really want to be able to do that would let me consider myself "fit". I want to be able to run. Not a marathon, but actually run for more than 30 seconds without dying. I want to be able to ride my bike 25 + miles on a weekend ride. And most importantly... I want to participate in one competitive sporting event before I'm 41.
  
• I want to quit smoking. Quite frankly, I don't know how long I can continue smoking and trying to increase my activity level. My lungs give out long before my legs do.
  

Wow. I guess I have a lot on my mind this week about health. I know there's only a few friends reading, so I hope you don't mind if the blog turns in to long diatribes about struggles with health and being middle aged. But it's just where I'm at these days.

New Beginnings

I've been in the new job for about a month now... and I'm still grinning from ear to ear every time I walk in to the building. Trying to keep up, learn, and make myself productive as soon as possible is stressful - but nothing compared to the stress I was under with the old job. This weekend Chey commented that I was being very supportive (I know it was a joke - but I also know that it's true - I'm not the same person I was 3 months ago), the Mayor said over breakfast on Sunday how much happier I am, and Baron has been thrilled at how calm I've been, and been home in time to make dinner every night!

I'm a little taken aback... I must have been a stark raving bitch while I was caught up in the misery and drama of the old job. But I'll take this as a new beginning. Time to focus on family, friends, and trying to take care of myself.

Now that I'm less stressed and on a normal sleep schedule for the first time in 2 years, it's time to start over on diet and exercise. No more excuses about being too tired to take care of myself.

I started this weekend by doing rides on local bike paths on Saturday and today. Saturday was out near Bolton with a friend and her sister. We logged about 7 miles. Beautiful, flat, gravel path. I was so in love with the bike path, I convinced Baron that we should do one out of Avon today. About 8.5 miles today - but I am so outta shape - the hills in Simsbury damn near killed me. Had to turn around, it was just too much for our first weekend out on the path. Of course I've been obsessed with the Greenway since our town voted to look at plans to connect with two adjacent towns - but this is the first weekend I've been out on the trails. Even Baron was impressed with how clean, well laid out and maintained they are.

Now to start back on eating less. I'd love to say "eating healthier" - but that's not the problem. I eat between 5-10 fruits and veggies a day. I get 2 servings of dairy (greek yogurt and a glass of Silk). I only eat red meat twice a month, and I only use olive oil, I pretty much gave up butter and other oils almost a year ago. But the sheer volume of food I eat is atrocious.

Sigh. I can't understand why diets never work for me. I'm starting WW with the Mayor this week. Well, we were supposed to start last week, but a friend who retired and moved to NYC was up for a few days, so I might have blown off WW to go to Sliders for beer and wings. Perhaps there's a connection between that and why I don't do well on diets? Hmmm....

Oh well. Here's to new beginnings. For great things to come for all the besties. We're all entering new phases in our lives. It's exciting, it's scary, but I'm glad I've always got you guys to hang out with on the journey.

Shhhhhhhhh!

Don't tell anyone... but I LOVE my new job! I've only just started - half day on Wednesday, full day today. I feel like I can finally breathe again. Literally.

My first day, I asked my boss what she wants me to do, and I was told "Unpack, set up your desk, introduce yourself to everyone, and leave on time". Ummm, I don't know what to do with that. I told her so - I have to do SOMETHING. The reply "breathe. I'm not going to put pressure on you, you'll put enough on yourself".

So I'm breathing. Slowly. In and out. Finally realizing what a bad place my head has been at in terms of work. How that's been effecting my life. Grateful for my now 8 min commute to work. Thankful to see sunshine when I leave on time.

I even went for a quick bike ride with Baron when I got home today. Sigh.

I feel awful for my friends at the old job. They know something is wrong where they are. They know they're tired, having a hard time making it in to work, emotional, cranky, lethargic, having panic attacks. I wish I could take them all with me. But for now, I'm focusing on the ability to breathe again.

Boo!

I'm back! I know, it's been a long time since I've posted anything, but here I am ready to rant and rave.

Things have heated up at work - the massively long lasting project that's been in development for almost 10 years is in the final sprint to production. Scheduled production date is mid-May. It should be a relief, it should be exhilarating, but... it's not. It's exhausting and frustrating. I usually like this period of time of a project - there's a lot of running around, long hours, fast pace, and I thrive on the adrenaline of it all.

But this is different. We've been working long hours for years, there's been a constant state of panic, we've had so many leadership changes in the last 16 months it's ridiculous - I think the total is 9 managers leaving since Dec 2009 (I heard about another one resigning today, but it's not officially confirmed yet). We are having a vendor change - so the vendor partners that built the system won't be here for implementation. It's review time, and our roles are being restructured with possible tier changes. A lot of change to deal with all at once, at a time when we really need to be focused on getting this product wrapped up and ready for delivery.

And we've been put on mandatory OT. 10+ hour days and weekends. Not a huge deal, to be expected. I average about 50 hours a week most weeks (no where near what many people put in on our project and in the dept) but I'm running between 65-70 hours a week right now. Still no where near what some of my coworkers are putting in.

But here's the ranting and raving part - there are some people that aren't putting in 40 hours. I'm tweaked about it. I know it's none of my business, my job is to do my job and feel like I've put in as much as I can to make the project successful. And yet - one person said that they were just going to log 50 hours a week in to the time sheet and keep working their normal 35 hours just so it keeps management off their back. This person won't have it reflected in their review. Or it might be in the review, but they'll go to HR claiming discrimination and get the ranking changed. Like it was the last time their performance was questioned.

Ugh! I'm just frustrated at the unbalance and unjustness of the situation. I see most of the people I work with sacrificing their personal lives, their "balance", pitching in to help out when someone needs it - even if it means another night without their family, and they are just dead exhausted on their feet - and a few are just taking advantage and coasting.

I should probably just call my mother in the morning - I think it's time to hear the "life isn't fair" lecture. Thanks for listening to me whine. I'm hoping I'll have something a little more positive to say soon!

Finally letting go

The last few weeks have been a flurry of activity: scheduling the next cycle, getting IVF loan approval, selling the few stocks we had, figuring out how much it would cost - all in the name of "one last try".

And then...

Thursday was our 10 year anniversary. We started to realize how much time has been spent postponing our lives hoping for that magical day when we would be parents. We don't schedule vacations, because we've been saving for IVF, and we can never plan because we *might* get pregnant or have an infant then.

Friday Baron was discussing how very old we would be if we ever had a child. He'd be in his mid sixties by the time the mythical child graduated high school. We might now be around long enough to see mythical child get married and have children of their own.

We had a trick or treater last night that just broke my heart. She was severely mentally handicapped. Most likely one of the chromosome abnormalities that was present in our poor little embies. She was in her early teens, but couldn't say Trick or Treat. When I offered her to take what she'd like, her mother explained that the girl couldn't understand, I'd have to put the candy in the bucket for her. It made me really think hard about the types of abnormalities I'm carrying, and I just don't think I'm that strong.

My car broke down today, and I realized how very little emergency funds I was leaving us by going through another cycle that we'd be mostly paying for out of pocket.

It all boils down to, we're done. No more. Off the rollercoaster. Time to let go on the dream and figure out a new one. We've got a great marriage, great friends, and family we love. It's time for us to start living our lives and redefining who we are. We're not parents. I think we're shooting for the little old couple at the beginning of "Up". We'll have adventures, just not the ones we originally thought.

Sigh. It hurts. I know it's the right thing to do, but it hurts. I'm not good at giving up. I don't "fail" at anything I put my heart and soul in to. But we've tried, we've thrown money at it, we've placed our marriage in jeopardy more than once. It's time.

I called the IVF Loan people today to cancel the loan. I'm waiting for them to call me back. As soon as that's square I'll call and cancel with the doctor. Then I'm looking where we should book a mini vacation. We need one.

Cycle was canceled

FUCK!!!!

Yup. That's the nicest thing I've got to say about that. We got the testing results back this afternoon. And it's been confirmed - I'm a genetic cesspool.

Out of the 8 that made it to biopsy for testing...

3 of the embryos had no results. The cell sample they sent had no nucleus to test.

1 girl had Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome)

1 girl had Trisomy 13

2 girls were missing a chromosome (Turner's Syndrome)

There was only one normal embryo - and it was a boy - with a 1 in 4 chance of fatality due to the Bilateral Renal Agenesis.

We're freezing the unknowns and the boy. They may be able to test the unknowns in the future (not in the next few weeks, but possible in a matter of months).

So... we're going to try to take out a loan and try one more cycle retrieving. If the genetics are still this crappy, well then we'll be working on saving up money for lots of nice vacations.

I'm going to spend the next few days licking my wounds, but hopefully back in the saddle in a few weeks.

The count down is on!

I heard from the doctor's office yesterday and final count was 18 eggs, 16 were mature, 10 fertilized!

I'm excited, but trying not to get too excited - it gives us 10 fertilized eggs to work with... but... we're also doing gender selection. Please know that we're not doing gender selection for vanity reasons, we've lost two boys in the last 5 years due to a genetic condition that is 3 times more fatal in boys than girls. Unfortunately, they haven't isolated the gene that causes the condition (Bilateral Renal Agenesis)- but the odds of fatality with another male are about 1 in 4, the odds of fatality with a girl are 1 in 12. I know it's a tricky subject, so I appreciate your support, but ask that you keep any ethical concerns to yourself. Our doctors have agreed it is a valid medical reason and meets all ethical guidelines. Phew, now I've put that out there I feel a little better!

Transfer is scheduled for Friday. We're having testing preimplantation genetic testing done to screen for major chromosomal disorders and gender selection... and we're keeping our fingers crossed that we have enough good quality embryos - We're looking to transfer 2. I've gotten pregnant pretty easily on IUI with Clomid (pregnant 2 out of 3 tries), so I don't really want to take the chance with triplets. Based on my age they recommend 2-3 eggs embryos to transfer, so we're erring on the side of caution with only 2. Who knows? Maybe we'll have enough to do a second transfer if this cycle doesn't work.

Last night was our first progesterone shot (the one intramuscular shot that the baron has to give me)... and it was interesting. I bled a little from the shot, and guess who almost passed out? Hint - it wasn't me!

I'm doing good, a little cramping, trying to hydrate as much as possible with electrolytes to avoid OHSS, but I'm generally uncomfortable. There's a good chance of my working from home if I don't stop with the bloating soon. Yup, I'm not above calling in "fat and nothing to wear" to work!

Retrieval Update

Today's blog is brought to you by the number 18!!!! That's not a typo. Eighteen. Retrieval went really well, they were able to retrieve 18 eggs. I'm still a little dopey from the anesthesia, so this may be a little disjointed, but it went well. Tomorrow we should find out how many fertilized, and Friday we'll do the transfer.

On a strange karma / good omen note... One of Dad's friends from India posted pictures of him this morning. How weird is that? It was such perfect timing, it's like he was watching over us today.

Headed to the couch to go back to sleep, but wanted to share the good day...

Holy Follies!!!

I couldn't wait until I get home to share... I have NINE little follicles ready to go! They said I needed at least 4 that measured over 1.0cm to continue on to retrieval... and I've got 4 that are almost at 1.5, another 4 are over 1.0, and 1 little guy that's at .96

It looks like I'm responding very well to the meds and egg retrieval may take place this weekend.

I'm scared to even say it...but I'm feeling really good about the whole thing.

Just a Fly-by

Quick update for the inquiring minds...

Lupron suppression part of the cycle sucked. I was depressed, "flat", and it was a general preview of menopause. Blech.

I'm on all the stimulation meds now and going for blood work and testing every other day. Compared to the suppression meds... stim meds rock! Yeah, I look like a pincushion, I'm bruised all over my stomach from the injections, my arms look those of a junkie, I'm bloated beyond belief, I'm exhausted - but mentally/emotionally - I feel great!

Things of note with the shots:
- They give you a drawing where you're supposed to inject... luckily, I have a huge fat roll right there, no chance of missing the spot 2 inches below the belly button
- My arms really do look like a junkie's. I went for blood work yesterday, and they refused to take blood from the good arm because it's too bruised and they wanted it to have a few days to heal - but the "bad" arm has veins that always jump and collapse, so it looks twice as bad as the good arm after one blood draw
- The first night on all the stim meds took me an hour to figure out how to do all the shots, it's down to about 15 mins now
- I've only been on the stim meds since Thursday, and I'm really bloated. If my stomach expands too much more, I'm going to start calling in fat/nothing to wear to work

Tomorrow is the first appointment where they'll be able to see how many little follicles are growing, keep your fingers crossed! I'm having nightmares that there won't be enough eggs to do the retrieval and this will all be for naught, but there's no sense worrying about things that are out of my control.

Off to nap and stab myself a few more times. Hopefully this time next week I'll be scheduled for retrieval and down to just one shot a day. Right now I'm on 3, and I'm running out of space to inject that isn't already bruised.

Do you ever have that dream?

You know, the one where you're back in college and the final is tomorrow and you forgot to study for it? That's the anxiety I'm feeling this weekend.

Tomorrow I go for a round of blood work, and if the numbers confirm that I've ovulated, I start my Lupron at night.

For those who have asked, here's the schedule

9/20 - Blood work and if ovulation has occurred, start Lupron injections at night. 10 units every night until period starts

Once I get my period, I call the office and schedule baseline ultrasound and blood work. Continue taking 10 units of Lupron until the confirm Lupron has suppressed my ovaries.

Once suppression has been confirmed, I drop to 5 units of Lupron every night, 300 mg Follistim every morning, 150 mg of Menopur every night. Ultrasound and blood work every 2-3 days until day of retrieval.

HCG trigger shot and then egg retrieval.

Start taking doxycyline and Medrol every day for 3 days (day of and after retrieval).

Here's the Baron's big part...... day of retrieval he needs to provide a "fresh sample". He's got it rough.

They fertilize the eggs the day of retrieval, and based on the results of fertilization, I'll start progesterone shots the day after retrieval.

The fertilized eggs will all have a single cell taken from them and sent to Reprogenetics for genetic testing.

Hopefully, based on the results of the test, the fertilized eggs chosen will be transferred on Day 5 after retrieval.

Progesterone shots continue. They will do a pregnancy test approx 2 weeks after retrieval (might be a few days longer, as they usually do transfers 3 days after retrieval, but testing will mean 5 days for me).

And then we wait. If everything goes well, we still have a 4 1/2 month wait (18 week ultrasound) before we know everything is ok. Oh yes, and they tell me that at some point they do stop the progesterone shots, but that may be up to 4 weeks, depending on how the numbers are looking.

I haven't even reviewed the slideshows on shot injections again - I'm so not prepared for the shots to begin. Wish us luck!!!!

Boiling Bunnies

Rosehawk has a phrase... when things are going haywire, PMS is the driving force in your life, and you know you're not reacting appropriately, you're not just hormonal - you're Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction boiling-bunnies type of crazy.

That's about where I've been at for a week. But time with Chey and Rosehawk last night calmed me down. Yes, it's a roller coaster ride, it's a out of my control, but what the hell - we've been talking about it so long, I'm going to revel in the fact that it's finally here. Rosehawk's ever calm demeanor, Chey's enthusiasm at the chemistry and facts and figures, Captain's Wife's encouragement... ok, you guys win.

Not making any big promises, but I'm gonna try to pull my head out of my ass and embrace it. I'm so bad at change and lack of control, I need a slap every once in a while to pull myself together.

I think this sums up where I'm at...

Qbert

Meet Qbert. Baron and I spent a lovely afternoon poking holes in poor Qbert. Seriously, 3 hours of learning how to inject myself with needles. I will be injecting myself (or having Baron inject me) for oh... if things go well, approx 4-5 weeks. It will start in less than a month, and I'm panicked. Sorry I didn't call anyone after class, I'm drained.

Project Bindle has begun, I wrote a check for almost $8000, learned how to jab myself with a needle, I'm picking up my meds on Saturday (another $4000)- now we just need to cross our fingers and hang on for the roller coast ride.

I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control, so vulnerable, and so overwhelmed. There were 3 other couples in the class and when the nurse started talking about everyone's medication regiment, I was the only one on 5 different medications, everyone else only had 2 or 3. The nurse kept pointing out everything that would be "different" about my cycle. Five minutes in to the class I almost lost it. Tears welling up in my eyes as she's explaining how I'm the only one on 2 different forms of FSH. I'm the only one on a Lupron cycle, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't the nurse's fault, she was very nice about it and explained that about half their patients are on the same course of meds, etc, etc. Didn't help. I still felt old, defective, damaged.

And I only brought 1 orange. Everyone else brought 2. It made me feel stupid. Like I failed the preparedness portion of the test. I won't be a good mother, because it didn't occur to me that I should bring 2 oranges to the injectibles class. I could feel the shame color my face crimson when I saw everyone had 2, but we only had lonely Qbert. How screwed up is that? They said to bring an orange, and I brought one. Yes, we only needed 1 - even practicing all afternoon, we only needed the one orange - it's not like we went all Hellraiser/Pinhead on Qbert. But that's not the point. I hate feeling like the odd duck. It sounds ridiculous, but there you have it. I feel like I failed because I brought one perfect orange. I spent 15 mins trying to pick out the right one in the grocery store, and it just never dawned on me to bring two.

On a good note, Baron handled it much better than I thought he would. We've been fighting all week - mostly because he's making jokes about it, and I'm scared out of my mind. And everyone knows, a scared Moosh is a bitchy Moosh! When he saw all of the different medications, and that he only has to give me the one medication toward the end of the process (only one is intramuscular, the rest are subcutaneous) he relaxed, and didn't look like he was going to pass out when practicing on Qbert (mostly. He did go a little pale, but I was expecting worse).

Wow, guess I'm just rambling. That's the update. Push came to shove, and I'm scared out of my freakin' mind. I can try to paint a pretty face on it, it's all for the best, it's better to try than not, no regrets - but it still is nerve wracking. All I keep thinking is - $15,000 to $20,000, major medical intervention, and it's all for a 1 in 12 chance *if* I manage to get pregnant. I am out of my effin gourd going through this. I should have just spent the money on new floors and getting the bathroom fixed.

If I don't call, or freeze up when the subject comes up, know it's not you. It's me. I'm trying to keep the house afloat, Baron's income is still unpredictable, I'm very worried about my job, and I'm spending every last dime we have on a dream. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and I'm a planner and a control freak. This isn't good for me. I'm fighting back tears of panic almost every second of the day, and trying not to let anyone see the chinks in the armor. But I'll work my way out of it, starting with drinks with two of my favorite people on Friday!

My wife went to India and all I got was this lousy god...

Sorry Baron, had to be done. The thought cracked me up. Why don't they sell t-shirts that say that?

Today we knocked off work 1/2 hour early to go do some shopping. What an experience! I'm so not used to bargaining, and doing it in a mall? A mall, normal mall stores where you could haggle the price. Not sure where this post is going - but, yes I finally did some shopping. If I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry, I was overwhelmed by it all. I tried to remember those I promised gifts to, but I didn't have my list. Here's the loot...

I remembered family, the Partners in Crime and their kids, Ms. Fabulous and the Fabulous Girls, Baron, a couple of things for me (although I want it all!), and a few very small tchokes. I could have shopped for days, but haggling starts to wear you down after a very short period of time, so my apologies if you don't get something amazing. I ran out of time, money, and stamina! I wish I had bought presents for everyone I care about. Ugh, it's like Christmas, I want to buy something for everyone, but there's got to be a limit somewhere.

All I could think about on the ride back to the hotel was ordering up some room service. I've eaten nothing but Indian food for a week (gladly and without hesitation) and my American sensibilities finally took over...

Fries and beer baby!!! Of course the hotel room service mgr convinced me I couldn't have just that, so he sent bread and broth with it. Didn't touch it, wanted fries and beer! If there was just basketball on my night would be complete. I'm such a delicate flower.

Going to try to head to bed before midnight tonight. Ms. Fabulous, if you're reading - stop trying to pick out which presents are yours!!!!!

You know, the one with the arms...

If you're easily offended, please stop reading now. I know it's wrong. But it's funny.

A long, long, time ago... I was in a knowledge transfer session to train offshore developers for a week with one of my dearest friends, Chey. We were younger then, and trying to figure out our place in the corporate world. Most of the other people attending were mid level managers, and we were trying to be on our best behavior, dressing professionally, not making waves, being good little do-bees.

We had just completed a session on cultural sensitivity. We're outside having a smoke, talking about our fascination and admiration of Indian culture... and I couldn't remember the name of a Hindu god. I started waving my arms around and saying, "You know, the one with the arms".

Chey stared at me in horror, and said "Oh my god, that's like walking up to a Christian and saying you know, this guy", tilting her head to the side, arms raised as if on a cross, and with her feet criss crossed, and tongue sticking out (not exactly the crucifix they had hanging in catholic school, but a pretty good resemblance). I still can't think about it without my spewing laughter. You know, this guy!

Not one of my more politically correct moments, but you have to picture the two of us trying so hard to be professional, wearing our best corporate wear...imitating various gods and religions in the parking lot.

Anyway, tomorrow we're going shopping at Leela Palace. How do I tell our very sweet, kind, hospitable host that what I really need to find is a little statue of a Hindu god - because it's funny. Not the statue, not the religion, but the memory of the two goofballs who are pushing forty but still acting like idiots the second The Man has his back turned?

A few more pics

http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i60/mattimoosh/Sunday%20in%20India/

Look, Cow!

It's now Sunday morning and of course I'm wide awake at 7:00AM. I didn't fall asleep until 1:00, and six hours later I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. But it's getting better, 6 hours sleep instead of 4 or 5!

Before I give a full run down of Saturday in Mysore, I'd like to overshare for a minute (c'mon, you're all used to it from me). Everyone is very concerned about having Traveler's Stomach issues if they visit a country like India. What almost no one will tell you is that between the different food, lack of sleep, body adjustment, the issue is the exact opposite what you expect. Thank you, thank you, and thank you - Captain's Wife warned me of this, and I packed medication to deal with just such an issue. Of course I didn't want to take it for the first two days, because I refuse to use public restrooms. And a public restroom in a foreign country? Nope, never happen. Never. Anyway...knowing that we had Sunday to rest and relax with no plans, I took my Ambien to try to get a full night's sleep, and then I took my Colace.

Then the full horror of what I had just done sank in. I took Ambien and Colace at the same time. OMG!!!! What was I thinking??? I briefly considered inducing vomiting, but I decided to live on the wild side - because I really need to sleep, and I really need to poop. That was the Ambien talking "Eh, what's the worse thing that could happen - are there any cookies in this room?". Luckily there were no ill side effects, but I really need to be careful on Ambien - smart choices are not made, even on only half a pill.

Yesterday we had breakfast in the hotel, and then headed out to Mysore with two of our offshore coworkers that graciously volunteered to be hosts and guides for the day. What a way to travel - having travel companions that are local show you the ropes is quite the experience. They keep you from overpaying, make sure you stay in only neighborhoods, direct the driver, and show you the best places to eat, as well as make suggestions on things you have to try.

Mysore is about 2.5 hours from the hotel in Bangalore. I don't have nearly the number of pictures I would like - they don't let you take a camera inside the palace - and they have you check it at the gate of the grounds. The palace is surrounded by gardens and Hindu temples. Fun fact - shoes and socks aren't allowed in the palace (or the temples). You have to check your shoes at a stand outside the palace. I really wish I had taken the time to get a pedicure before traveling. I can't possibly do justice to the history or description of the palace, but I found their website. http://www.mysorepalace.in/mysore_palace.htm. The pictures of all of the cows were taken at Chamundi Hills, and the temple at the top http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chamundi_hills

So what about the cows? Why are there so many pictures of them?

Because there are cows roaming around everywhere! I don't mean in picturesque little pastures in the outskirts of cities, I mean everywhere... in the streets, parking lots, on the grass medians and sidewalks in the city of Bangalore (a city of approx. 8 million people). Cows. And they're brazen beasts... the picture above was taken at the temple at Chamundi Hills. Outside the temple they sell little baskets filled with items for offering to the goddess Chamundeeswari. The baskets have coconut, flowers, and bananas. Apparently cows like bananas, this guy was climbing up the steps to get to and offering basket that was unattended. Yes, the locals think you're nuts for wanting to take pictures of every cow that you see. But there are cows - everywhere!!!

I'll post a little later today about food, glorious food - but it's time to hit the shower, explore the hotel a little and see if I can get my room switched to one with a balcony.