Finally letting go

The last few weeks have been a flurry of activity: scheduling the next cycle, getting IVF loan approval, selling the few stocks we had, figuring out how much it would cost - all in the name of "one last try".

And then...

Thursday was our 10 year anniversary. We started to realize how much time has been spent postponing our lives hoping for that magical day when we would be parents. We don't schedule vacations, because we've been saving for IVF, and we can never plan because we *might* get pregnant or have an infant then.

Friday Baron was discussing how very old we would be if we ever had a child. He'd be in his mid sixties by the time the mythical child graduated high school. We might now be around long enough to see mythical child get married and have children of their own.

We had a trick or treater last night that just broke my heart. She was severely mentally handicapped. Most likely one of the chromosome abnormalities that was present in our poor little embies. She was in her early teens, but couldn't say Trick or Treat. When I offered her to take what she'd like, her mother explained that the girl couldn't understand, I'd have to put the candy in the bucket for her. It made me really think hard about the types of abnormalities I'm carrying, and I just don't think I'm that strong.

My car broke down today, and I realized how very little emergency funds I was leaving us by going through another cycle that we'd be mostly paying for out of pocket.

It all boils down to, we're done. No more. Off the rollercoaster. Time to let go on the dream and figure out a new one. We've got a great marriage, great friends, and family we love. It's time for us to start living our lives and redefining who we are. We're not parents. I think we're shooting for the little old couple at the beginning of "Up". We'll have adventures, just not the ones we originally thought.

Sigh. It hurts. I know it's the right thing to do, but it hurts. I'm not good at giving up. I don't "fail" at anything I put my heart and soul in to. But we've tried, we've thrown money at it, we've placed our marriage in jeopardy more than once. It's time.

I called the IVF Loan people today to cancel the loan. I'm waiting for them to call me back. As soon as that's square I'll call and cancel with the doctor. Then I'm looking where we should book a mini vacation. We need one.

Cycle was canceled

FUCK!!!!

Yup. That's the nicest thing I've got to say about that. We got the testing results back this afternoon. And it's been confirmed - I'm a genetic cesspool.

Out of the 8 that made it to biopsy for testing...

3 of the embryos had no results. The cell sample they sent had no nucleus to test.

1 girl had Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome)

1 girl had Trisomy 13

2 girls were missing a chromosome (Turner's Syndrome)

There was only one normal embryo - and it was a boy - with a 1 in 4 chance of fatality due to the Bilateral Renal Agenesis.

We're freezing the unknowns and the boy. They may be able to test the unknowns in the future (not in the next few weeks, but possible in a matter of months).

So... we're going to try to take out a loan and try one more cycle retrieving. If the genetics are still this crappy, well then we'll be working on saving up money for lots of nice vacations.

I'm going to spend the next few days licking my wounds, but hopefully back in the saddle in a few weeks.

The count down is on!

I heard from the doctor's office yesterday and final count was 18 eggs, 16 were mature, 10 fertilized!

I'm excited, but trying not to get too excited - it gives us 10 fertilized eggs to work with... but... we're also doing gender selection. Please know that we're not doing gender selection for vanity reasons, we've lost two boys in the last 5 years due to a genetic condition that is 3 times more fatal in boys than girls. Unfortunately, they haven't isolated the gene that causes the condition (Bilateral Renal Agenesis)- but the odds of fatality with another male are about 1 in 4, the odds of fatality with a girl are 1 in 12. I know it's a tricky subject, so I appreciate your support, but ask that you keep any ethical concerns to yourself. Our doctors have agreed it is a valid medical reason and meets all ethical guidelines. Phew, now I've put that out there I feel a little better!

Transfer is scheduled for Friday. We're having testing preimplantation genetic testing done to screen for major chromosomal disorders and gender selection... and we're keeping our fingers crossed that we have enough good quality embryos - We're looking to transfer 2. I've gotten pregnant pretty easily on IUI with Clomid (pregnant 2 out of 3 tries), so I don't really want to take the chance with triplets. Based on my age they recommend 2-3 eggs embryos to transfer, so we're erring on the side of caution with only 2. Who knows? Maybe we'll have enough to do a second transfer if this cycle doesn't work.

Last night was our first progesterone shot (the one intramuscular shot that the baron has to give me)... and it was interesting. I bled a little from the shot, and guess who almost passed out? Hint - it wasn't me!

I'm doing good, a little cramping, trying to hydrate as much as possible with electrolytes to avoid OHSS, but I'm generally uncomfortable. There's a good chance of my working from home if I don't stop with the bloating soon. Yup, I'm not above calling in "fat and nothing to wear" to work!

Retrieval Update

Today's blog is brought to you by the number 18!!!! That's not a typo. Eighteen. Retrieval went really well, they were able to retrieve 18 eggs. I'm still a little dopey from the anesthesia, so this may be a little disjointed, but it went well. Tomorrow we should find out how many fertilized, and Friday we'll do the transfer.

On a strange karma / good omen note... One of Dad's friends from India posted pictures of him this morning. How weird is that? It was such perfect timing, it's like he was watching over us today.

Headed to the couch to go back to sleep, but wanted to share the good day...

Holy Follies!!!

I couldn't wait until I get home to share... I have NINE little follicles ready to go! They said I needed at least 4 that measured over 1.0cm to continue on to retrieval... and I've got 4 that are almost at 1.5, another 4 are over 1.0, and 1 little guy that's at .96

It looks like I'm responding very well to the meds and egg retrieval may take place this weekend.

I'm scared to even say it...but I'm feeling really good about the whole thing.

Just a Fly-by

Quick update for the inquiring minds...

Lupron suppression part of the cycle sucked. I was depressed, "flat", and it was a general preview of menopause. Blech.

I'm on all the stimulation meds now and going for blood work and testing every other day. Compared to the suppression meds... stim meds rock! Yeah, I look like a pincushion, I'm bruised all over my stomach from the injections, my arms look those of a junkie, I'm bloated beyond belief, I'm exhausted - but mentally/emotionally - I feel great!

Things of note with the shots:
- They give you a drawing where you're supposed to inject... luckily, I have a huge fat roll right there, no chance of missing the spot 2 inches below the belly button
- My arms really do look like a junkie's. I went for blood work yesterday, and they refused to take blood from the good arm because it's too bruised and they wanted it to have a few days to heal - but the "bad" arm has veins that always jump and collapse, so it looks twice as bad as the good arm after one blood draw
- The first night on all the stim meds took me an hour to figure out how to do all the shots, it's down to about 15 mins now
- I've only been on the stim meds since Thursday, and I'm really bloated. If my stomach expands too much more, I'm going to start calling in fat/nothing to wear to work

Tomorrow is the first appointment where they'll be able to see how many little follicles are growing, keep your fingers crossed! I'm having nightmares that there won't be enough eggs to do the retrieval and this will all be for naught, but there's no sense worrying about things that are out of my control.

Off to nap and stab myself a few more times. Hopefully this time next week I'll be scheduled for retrieval and down to just one shot a day. Right now I'm on 3, and I'm running out of space to inject that isn't already bruised.

Do you ever have that dream?

You know, the one where you're back in college and the final is tomorrow and you forgot to study for it? That's the anxiety I'm feeling this weekend.

Tomorrow I go for a round of blood work, and if the numbers confirm that I've ovulated, I start my Lupron at night.

For those who have asked, here's the schedule

9/20 - Blood work and if ovulation has occurred, start Lupron injections at night. 10 units every night until period starts

Once I get my period, I call the office and schedule baseline ultrasound and blood work. Continue taking 10 units of Lupron until the confirm Lupron has suppressed my ovaries.

Once suppression has been confirmed, I drop to 5 units of Lupron every night, 300 mg Follistim every morning, 150 mg of Menopur every night. Ultrasound and blood work every 2-3 days until day of retrieval.

HCG trigger shot and then egg retrieval.

Start taking doxycyline and Medrol every day for 3 days (day of and after retrieval).

Here's the Baron's big part...... day of retrieval he needs to provide a "fresh sample". He's got it rough.

They fertilize the eggs the day of retrieval, and based on the results of fertilization, I'll start progesterone shots the day after retrieval.

The fertilized eggs will all have a single cell taken from them and sent to Reprogenetics for genetic testing.

Hopefully, based on the results of the test, the fertilized eggs chosen will be transferred on Day 5 after retrieval.

Progesterone shots continue. They will do a pregnancy test approx 2 weeks after retrieval (might be a few days longer, as they usually do transfers 3 days after retrieval, but testing will mean 5 days for me).

And then we wait. If everything goes well, we still have a 4 1/2 month wait (18 week ultrasound) before we know everything is ok. Oh yes, and they tell me that at some point they do stop the progesterone shots, but that may be up to 4 weeks, depending on how the numbers are looking.

I haven't even reviewed the slideshows on shot injections again - I'm so not prepared for the shots to begin. Wish us luck!!!!

Boiling Bunnies

Rosehawk has a phrase... when things are going haywire, PMS is the driving force in your life, and you know you're not reacting appropriately, you're not just hormonal - you're Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction boiling-bunnies type of crazy.

That's about where I've been at for a week. But time with Chey and Rosehawk last night calmed me down. Yes, it's a roller coaster ride, it's a out of my control, but what the hell - we've been talking about it so long, I'm going to revel in the fact that it's finally here. Rosehawk's ever calm demeanor, Chey's enthusiasm at the chemistry and facts and figures, Captain's Wife's encouragement... ok, you guys win.

Not making any big promises, but I'm gonna try to pull my head out of my ass and embrace it. I'm so bad at change and lack of control, I need a slap every once in a while to pull myself together.

I think this sums up where I'm at...

Qbert

Meet Qbert. Baron and I spent a lovely afternoon poking holes in poor Qbert. Seriously, 3 hours of learning how to inject myself with needles. I will be injecting myself (or having Baron inject me) for oh... if things go well, approx 4-5 weeks. It will start in less than a month, and I'm panicked. Sorry I didn't call anyone after class, I'm drained.

Project Bindle has begun, I wrote a check for almost $8000, learned how to jab myself with a needle, I'm picking up my meds on Saturday (another $4000)- now we just need to cross our fingers and hang on for the roller coast ride.

I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control, so vulnerable, and so overwhelmed. There were 3 other couples in the class and when the nurse started talking about everyone's medication regiment, I was the only one on 5 different medications, everyone else only had 2 or 3. The nurse kept pointing out everything that would be "different" about my cycle. Five minutes in to the class I almost lost it. Tears welling up in my eyes as she's explaining how I'm the only one on 2 different forms of FSH. I'm the only one on a Lupron cycle, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't the nurse's fault, she was very nice about it and explained that about half their patients are on the same course of meds, etc, etc. Didn't help. I still felt old, defective, damaged.

And I only brought 1 orange. Everyone else brought 2. It made me feel stupid. Like I failed the preparedness portion of the test. I won't be a good mother, because it didn't occur to me that I should bring 2 oranges to the injectibles class. I could feel the shame color my face crimson when I saw everyone had 2, but we only had lonely Qbert. How screwed up is that? They said to bring an orange, and I brought one. Yes, we only needed 1 - even practicing all afternoon, we only needed the one orange - it's not like we went all Hellraiser/Pinhead on Qbert. But that's not the point. I hate feeling like the odd duck. It sounds ridiculous, but there you have it. I feel like I failed because I brought one perfect orange. I spent 15 mins trying to pick out the right one in the grocery store, and it just never dawned on me to bring two.

On a good note, Baron handled it much better than I thought he would. We've been fighting all week - mostly because he's making jokes about it, and I'm scared out of my mind. And everyone knows, a scared Moosh is a bitchy Moosh! When he saw all of the different medications, and that he only has to give me the one medication toward the end of the process (only one is intramuscular, the rest are subcutaneous) he relaxed, and didn't look like he was going to pass out when practicing on Qbert (mostly. He did go a little pale, but I was expecting worse).

Wow, guess I'm just rambling. That's the update. Push came to shove, and I'm scared out of my freakin' mind. I can try to paint a pretty face on it, it's all for the best, it's better to try than not, no regrets - but it still is nerve wracking. All I keep thinking is - $15,000 to $20,000, major medical intervention, and it's all for a 1 in 12 chance *if* I manage to get pregnant. I am out of my effin gourd going through this. I should have just spent the money on new floors and getting the bathroom fixed.

If I don't call, or freeze up when the subject comes up, know it's not you. It's me. I'm trying to keep the house afloat, Baron's income is still unpredictable, I'm very worried about my job, and I'm spending every last dime we have on a dream. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and I'm a planner and a control freak. This isn't good for me. I'm fighting back tears of panic almost every second of the day, and trying not to let anyone see the chinks in the armor. But I'll work my way out of it, starting with drinks with two of my favorite people on Friday!