Shhhhhhhhh!

Don't tell anyone... but I LOVE my new job! I've only just started - half day on Wednesday, full day today. I feel like I can finally breathe again. Literally.

My first day, I asked my boss what she wants me to do, and I was told "Unpack, set up your desk, introduce yourself to everyone, and leave on time". Ummm, I don't know what to do with that. I told her so - I have to do SOMETHING. The reply "breathe. I'm not going to put pressure on you, you'll put enough on yourself".

So I'm breathing. Slowly. In and out. Finally realizing what a bad place my head has been at in terms of work. How that's been effecting my life. Grateful for my now 8 min commute to work. Thankful to see sunshine when I leave on time.

I even went for a quick bike ride with Baron when I got home today. Sigh.

I feel awful for my friends at the old job. They know something is wrong where they are. They know they're tired, having a hard time making it in to work, emotional, cranky, lethargic, having panic attacks. I wish I could take them all with me. But for now, I'm focusing on the ability to breathe again.

Boo!

I'm back! I know, it's been a long time since I've posted anything, but here I am ready to rant and rave.

Things have heated up at work - the massively long lasting project that's been in development for almost 10 years is in the final sprint to production. Scheduled production date is mid-May. It should be a relief, it should be exhilarating, but... it's not. It's exhausting and frustrating. I usually like this period of time of a project - there's a lot of running around, long hours, fast pace, and I thrive on the adrenaline of it all.

But this is different. We've been working long hours for years, there's been a constant state of panic, we've had so many leadership changes in the last 16 months it's ridiculous - I think the total is 9 managers leaving since Dec 2009 (I heard about another one resigning today, but it's not officially confirmed yet). We are having a vendor change - so the vendor partners that built the system won't be here for implementation. It's review time, and our roles are being restructured with possible tier changes. A lot of change to deal with all at once, at a time when we really need to be focused on getting this product wrapped up and ready for delivery.

And we've been put on mandatory OT. 10+ hour days and weekends. Not a huge deal, to be expected. I average about 50 hours a week most weeks (no where near what many people put in on our project and in the dept) but I'm running between 65-70 hours a week right now. Still no where near what some of my coworkers are putting in.

But here's the ranting and raving part - there are some people that aren't putting in 40 hours. I'm tweaked about it. I know it's none of my business, my job is to do my job and feel like I've put in as much as I can to make the project successful. And yet - one person said that they were just going to log 50 hours a week in to the time sheet and keep working their normal 35 hours just so it keeps management off their back. This person won't have it reflected in their review. Or it might be in the review, but they'll go to HR claiming discrimination and get the ranking changed. Like it was the last time their performance was questioned.

Ugh! I'm just frustrated at the unbalance and unjustness of the situation. I see most of the people I work with sacrificing their personal lives, their "balance", pitching in to help out when someone needs it - even if it means another night without their family, and they are just dead exhausted on their feet - and a few are just taking advantage and coasting.

I should probably just call my mother in the morning - I think it's time to hear the "life isn't fair" lecture. Thanks for listening to me whine. I'm hoping I'll have something a little more positive to say soon!

I'm Going to DisneyI

Well, in 12 short hours I'm headed to the Magic Kingdom. Before you get all jealous... it's a working vacation. And I'm bringing Mom. I think we both need to head out of Dodge for a little while, and this is just fortuitous timing.

I'm headed to a conference, which will be 3-4 days of sheer madness. Straight work. The last conference I went to was a lot of fun, but there's a need to be "on" 24/7 - attending presentations, constantly logging in to work, networking, trying to get the most of out of it all, and make sure they don't regret sending me... but of course, the networking events usually have alcohol, and I have no filter, so I have to work really hard during the daytime events to make up for my behavior at the evening events. What can I say? It's a lot of pressure being me!

Anyway, we head down tomorrow afternoon, and have Sat night and all day Sunday to relax before the conference and tough work starts. The conference ends on Thursday, and Mom and I will be driving down to Key West. Sounds tough, right?

Well... then we do the really tough part. We say good bye to Dad. His will listed out all of his advanced medical directives, and on the back of it he hand wrote several instructions. He didn't want a wake. He wanted to be cremated. He wanted a memorial service that was full of music and a celebration of his life. And then he wanted his ashes scattered either in Rhode Island or Key West. The places he was happiest. Where he kayaked and had great memories with Mom. The places he was at peace and was able to just sit back and enjoy life.

When we get to Key West we'll be dispersing Dad's ashes. Saying a final good-bye, and making sure he's resting where he always wanted to be, in the warm waters of the Florida Keys. I'm eerily calm about the whole thing. I expected to be very anxious and fretting, but there's a certain comfort in knowing that we're following his wishes. Knowing he'd be happy that we figured out a way to get there.

It's been less than 7 weeks since he passed away. I miss him terribly. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, wish I could hear his voice, miss just chatting in the aisle at work. I said good-bye to him in the hospital, but it was just words. I don't think I've let him go yet.

I remember a conversation with him last summer. We were chatting out on my parent's patio about all the crap that had gone on over the last few years, losing the babies, Gram's health, his surgery, and how all the different members of our family handled the stress so differently. I remember telling him that I couldn't ever regret having the babies. I couldn't keep getting myself worked up or upset by how sick he had been before the surgery, because I couldn't believe in the world as a dark, cruel place. I had to still believe in joy and beauty of the universe, and for those reasons, I was grateful I had BT and MP. I loved them. They left us too soon, but I was grateful for the precious moments I held them. I was grateful that Dad was so sick that we knew to take his condition seriously, and that the surgery had saved his life. It was the only way to still see the world that I wanted to be a part of.

I still want to believe in that world. If Dad were here now, I think he'd remind me to look at the way things have worked out - we have the opportunity to get to the beach, the warm weather, try to relax a little, and say a proper farewell. There is something good flowing through the universe. Even though our hearts are broken, there's beauty and wonder if you look for it.

Here's hoping there's a little beauty and wonder in it for everyone this week.