Finally letting go

The last few weeks have been a flurry of activity: scheduling the next cycle, getting IVF loan approval, selling the few stocks we had, figuring out how much it would cost - all in the name of "one last try".

And then...

Thursday was our 10 year anniversary. We started to realize how much time has been spent postponing our lives hoping for that magical day when we would be parents. We don't schedule vacations, because we've been saving for IVF, and we can never plan because we *might* get pregnant or have an infant then.

Friday Baron was discussing how very old we would be if we ever had a child. He'd be in his mid sixties by the time the mythical child graduated high school. We might now be around long enough to see mythical child get married and have children of their own.

We had a trick or treater last night that just broke my heart. She was severely mentally handicapped. Most likely one of the chromosome abnormalities that was present in our poor little embies. She was in her early teens, but couldn't say Trick or Treat. When I offered her to take what she'd like, her mother explained that the girl couldn't understand, I'd have to put the candy in the bucket for her. It made me really think hard about the types of abnormalities I'm carrying, and I just don't think I'm that strong.

My car broke down today, and I realized how very little emergency funds I was leaving us by going through another cycle that we'd be mostly paying for out of pocket.

It all boils down to, we're done. No more. Off the rollercoaster. Time to let go on the dream and figure out a new one. We've got a great marriage, great friends, and family we love. It's time for us to start living our lives and redefining who we are. We're not parents. I think we're shooting for the little old couple at the beginning of "Up". We'll have adventures, just not the ones we originally thought.

Sigh. It hurts. I know it's the right thing to do, but it hurts. I'm not good at giving up. I don't "fail" at anything I put my heart and soul in to. But we've tried, we've thrown money at it, we've placed our marriage in jeopardy more than once. It's time.

I called the IVF Loan people today to cancel the loan. I'm waiting for them to call me back. As soon as that's square I'll call and cancel with the doctor. Then I'm looking where we should book a mini vacation. We need one.

Cycle was canceled

FUCK!!!!

Yup. That's the nicest thing I've got to say about that. We got the testing results back this afternoon. And it's been confirmed - I'm a genetic cesspool.

Out of the 8 that made it to biopsy for testing...

3 of the embryos had no results. The cell sample they sent had no nucleus to test.

1 girl had Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome)

1 girl had Trisomy 13

2 girls were missing a chromosome (Turner's Syndrome)

There was only one normal embryo - and it was a boy - with a 1 in 4 chance of fatality due to the Bilateral Renal Agenesis.

We're freezing the unknowns and the boy. They may be able to test the unknowns in the future (not in the next few weeks, but possible in a matter of months).

So... we're going to try to take out a loan and try one more cycle retrieving. If the genetics are still this crappy, well then we'll be working on saving up money for lots of nice vacations.

I'm going to spend the next few days licking my wounds, but hopefully back in the saddle in a few weeks.

The count down is on!

I heard from the doctor's office yesterday and final count was 18 eggs, 16 were mature, 10 fertilized!

I'm excited, but trying not to get too excited - it gives us 10 fertilized eggs to work with... but... we're also doing gender selection. Please know that we're not doing gender selection for vanity reasons, we've lost two boys in the last 5 years due to a genetic condition that is 3 times more fatal in boys than girls. Unfortunately, they haven't isolated the gene that causes the condition (Bilateral Renal Agenesis)- but the odds of fatality with another male are about 1 in 4, the odds of fatality with a girl are 1 in 12. I know it's a tricky subject, so I appreciate your support, but ask that you keep any ethical concerns to yourself. Our doctors have agreed it is a valid medical reason and meets all ethical guidelines. Phew, now I've put that out there I feel a little better!

Transfer is scheduled for Friday. We're having testing preimplantation genetic testing done to screen for major chromosomal disorders and gender selection... and we're keeping our fingers crossed that we have enough good quality embryos - We're looking to transfer 2. I've gotten pregnant pretty easily on IUI with Clomid (pregnant 2 out of 3 tries), so I don't really want to take the chance with triplets. Based on my age they recommend 2-3 eggs embryos to transfer, so we're erring on the side of caution with only 2. Who knows? Maybe we'll have enough to do a second transfer if this cycle doesn't work.

Last night was our first progesterone shot (the one intramuscular shot that the baron has to give me)... and it was interesting. I bled a little from the shot, and guess who almost passed out? Hint - it wasn't me!

I'm doing good, a little cramping, trying to hydrate as much as possible with electrolytes to avoid OHSS, but I'm generally uncomfortable. There's a good chance of my working from home if I don't stop with the bloating soon. Yup, I'm not above calling in "fat and nothing to wear" to work!

Retrieval Update

Today's blog is brought to you by the number 18!!!! That's not a typo. Eighteen. Retrieval went really well, they were able to retrieve 18 eggs. I'm still a little dopey from the anesthesia, so this may be a little disjointed, but it went well. Tomorrow we should find out how many fertilized, and Friday we'll do the transfer.

On a strange karma / good omen note... One of Dad's friends from India posted pictures of him this morning. How weird is that? It was such perfect timing, it's like he was watching over us today.

Headed to the couch to go back to sleep, but wanted to share the good day...

Holy Follies!!!

I couldn't wait until I get home to share... I have NINE little follicles ready to go! They said I needed at least 4 that measured over 1.0cm to continue on to retrieval... and I've got 4 that are almost at 1.5, another 4 are over 1.0, and 1 little guy that's at .96

It looks like I'm responding very well to the meds and egg retrieval may take place this weekend.

I'm scared to even say it...but I'm feeling really good about the whole thing.

Just a Fly-by

Quick update for the inquiring minds...

Lupron suppression part of the cycle sucked. I was depressed, "flat", and it was a general preview of menopause. Blech.

I'm on all the stimulation meds now and going for blood work and testing every other day. Compared to the suppression meds... stim meds rock! Yeah, I look like a pincushion, I'm bruised all over my stomach from the injections, my arms look those of a junkie, I'm bloated beyond belief, I'm exhausted - but mentally/emotionally - I feel great!

Things of note with the shots:
- They give you a drawing where you're supposed to inject... luckily, I have a huge fat roll right there, no chance of missing the spot 2 inches below the belly button
- My arms really do look like a junkie's. I went for blood work yesterday, and they refused to take blood from the good arm because it's too bruised and they wanted it to have a few days to heal - but the "bad" arm has veins that always jump and collapse, so it looks twice as bad as the good arm after one blood draw
- The first night on all the stim meds took me an hour to figure out how to do all the shots, it's down to about 15 mins now
- I've only been on the stim meds since Thursday, and I'm really bloated. If my stomach expands too much more, I'm going to start calling in fat/nothing to wear to work

Tomorrow is the first appointment where they'll be able to see how many little follicles are growing, keep your fingers crossed! I'm having nightmares that there won't be enough eggs to do the retrieval and this will all be for naught, but there's no sense worrying about things that are out of my control.

Off to nap and stab myself a few more times. Hopefully this time next week I'll be scheduled for retrieval and down to just one shot a day. Right now I'm on 3, and I'm running out of space to inject that isn't already bruised.

Do you ever have that dream?

You know, the one where you're back in college and the final is tomorrow and you forgot to study for it? That's the anxiety I'm feeling this weekend.

Tomorrow I go for a round of blood work, and if the numbers confirm that I've ovulated, I start my Lupron at night.

For those who have asked, here's the schedule

9/20 - Blood work and if ovulation has occurred, start Lupron injections at night. 10 units every night until period starts

Once I get my period, I call the office and schedule baseline ultrasound and blood work. Continue taking 10 units of Lupron until the confirm Lupron has suppressed my ovaries.

Once suppression has been confirmed, I drop to 5 units of Lupron every night, 300 mg Follistim every morning, 150 mg of Menopur every night. Ultrasound and blood work every 2-3 days until day of retrieval.

HCG trigger shot and then egg retrieval.

Start taking doxycyline and Medrol every day for 3 days (day of and after retrieval).

Here's the Baron's big part...... day of retrieval he needs to provide a "fresh sample". He's got it rough.

They fertilize the eggs the day of retrieval, and based on the results of fertilization, I'll start progesterone shots the day after retrieval.

The fertilized eggs will all have a single cell taken from them and sent to Reprogenetics for genetic testing.

Hopefully, based on the results of the test, the fertilized eggs chosen will be transferred on Day 5 after retrieval.

Progesterone shots continue. They will do a pregnancy test approx 2 weeks after retrieval (might be a few days longer, as they usually do transfers 3 days after retrieval, but testing will mean 5 days for me).

And then we wait. If everything goes well, we still have a 4 1/2 month wait (18 week ultrasound) before we know everything is ok. Oh yes, and they tell me that at some point they do stop the progesterone shots, but that may be up to 4 weeks, depending on how the numbers are looking.

I haven't even reviewed the slideshows on shot injections again - I'm so not prepared for the shots to begin. Wish us luck!!!!

Boiling Bunnies

Rosehawk has a phrase... when things are going haywire, PMS is the driving force in your life, and you know you're not reacting appropriately, you're not just hormonal - you're Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction boiling-bunnies type of crazy.

That's about where I've been at for a week. But time with Chey and Rosehawk last night calmed me down. Yes, it's a roller coaster ride, it's a out of my control, but what the hell - we've been talking about it so long, I'm going to revel in the fact that it's finally here. Rosehawk's ever calm demeanor, Chey's enthusiasm at the chemistry and facts and figures, Captain's Wife's encouragement... ok, you guys win.

Not making any big promises, but I'm gonna try to pull my head out of my ass and embrace it. I'm so bad at change and lack of control, I need a slap every once in a while to pull myself together.

I think this sums up where I'm at...

Qbert

Meet Qbert. Baron and I spent a lovely afternoon poking holes in poor Qbert. Seriously, 3 hours of learning how to inject myself with needles. I will be injecting myself (or having Baron inject me) for oh... if things go well, approx 4-5 weeks. It will start in less than a month, and I'm panicked. Sorry I didn't call anyone after class, I'm drained.

Project Bindle has begun, I wrote a check for almost $8000, learned how to jab myself with a needle, I'm picking up my meds on Saturday (another $4000)- now we just need to cross our fingers and hang on for the roller coast ride.

I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control, so vulnerable, and so overwhelmed. There were 3 other couples in the class and when the nurse started talking about everyone's medication regiment, I was the only one on 5 different medications, everyone else only had 2 or 3. The nurse kept pointing out everything that would be "different" about my cycle. Five minutes in to the class I almost lost it. Tears welling up in my eyes as she's explaining how I'm the only one on 2 different forms of FSH. I'm the only one on a Lupron cycle, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't the nurse's fault, she was very nice about it and explained that about half their patients are on the same course of meds, etc, etc. Didn't help. I still felt old, defective, damaged.

And I only brought 1 orange. Everyone else brought 2. It made me feel stupid. Like I failed the preparedness portion of the test. I won't be a good mother, because it didn't occur to me that I should bring 2 oranges to the injectibles class. I could feel the shame color my face crimson when I saw everyone had 2, but we only had lonely Qbert. How screwed up is that? They said to bring an orange, and I brought one. Yes, we only needed 1 - even practicing all afternoon, we only needed the one orange - it's not like we went all Hellraiser/Pinhead on Qbert. But that's not the point. I hate feeling like the odd duck. It sounds ridiculous, but there you have it. I feel like I failed because I brought one perfect orange. I spent 15 mins trying to pick out the right one in the grocery store, and it just never dawned on me to bring two.

On a good note, Baron handled it much better than I thought he would. We've been fighting all week - mostly because he's making jokes about it, and I'm scared out of my mind. And everyone knows, a scared Moosh is a bitchy Moosh! When he saw all of the different medications, and that he only has to give me the one medication toward the end of the process (only one is intramuscular, the rest are subcutaneous) he relaxed, and didn't look like he was going to pass out when practicing on Qbert (mostly. He did go a little pale, but I was expecting worse).

Wow, guess I'm just rambling. That's the update. Push came to shove, and I'm scared out of my freakin' mind. I can try to paint a pretty face on it, it's all for the best, it's better to try than not, no regrets - but it still is nerve wracking. All I keep thinking is - $15,000 to $20,000, major medical intervention, and it's all for a 1 in 12 chance *if* I manage to get pregnant. I am out of my effin gourd going through this. I should have just spent the money on new floors and getting the bathroom fixed.

If I don't call, or freeze up when the subject comes up, know it's not you. It's me. I'm trying to keep the house afloat, Baron's income is still unpredictable, I'm very worried about my job, and I'm spending every last dime we have on a dream. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and I'm a planner and a control freak. This isn't good for me. I'm fighting back tears of panic almost every second of the day, and trying not to let anyone see the chinks in the armor. But I'll work my way out of it, starting with drinks with two of my favorite people on Friday!

My wife went to India and all I got was this lousy god...

Sorry Baron, had to be done. The thought cracked me up. Why don't they sell t-shirts that say that?

Today we knocked off work 1/2 hour early to go do some shopping. What an experience! I'm so not used to bargaining, and doing it in a mall? A mall, normal mall stores where you could haggle the price. Not sure where this post is going - but, yes I finally did some shopping. If I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry, I was overwhelmed by it all. I tried to remember those I promised gifts to, but I didn't have my list. Here's the loot...

I remembered family, the Partners in Crime and their kids, Ms. Fabulous and the Fabulous Girls, Baron, a couple of things for me (although I want it all!), and a few very small tchokes. I could have shopped for days, but haggling starts to wear you down after a very short period of time, so my apologies if you don't get something amazing. I ran out of time, money, and stamina! I wish I had bought presents for everyone I care about. Ugh, it's like Christmas, I want to buy something for everyone, but there's got to be a limit somewhere.

All I could think about on the ride back to the hotel was ordering up some room service. I've eaten nothing but Indian food for a week (gladly and without hesitation) and my American sensibilities finally took over...

Fries and beer baby!!! Of course the hotel room service mgr convinced me I couldn't have just that, so he sent bread and broth with it. Didn't touch it, wanted fries and beer! If there was just basketball on my night would be complete. I'm such a delicate flower.

Going to try to head to bed before midnight tonight. Ms. Fabulous, if you're reading - stop trying to pick out which presents are yours!!!!!

You know, the one with the arms...

If you're easily offended, please stop reading now. I know it's wrong. But it's funny.

A long, long, time ago... I was in a knowledge transfer session to train offshore developers for a week with one of my dearest friends, Chey. We were younger then, and trying to figure out our place in the corporate world. Most of the other people attending were mid level managers, and we were trying to be on our best behavior, dressing professionally, not making waves, being good little do-bees.

We had just completed a session on cultural sensitivity. We're outside having a smoke, talking about our fascination and admiration of Indian culture... and I couldn't remember the name of a Hindu god. I started waving my arms around and saying, "You know, the one with the arms".

Chey stared at me in horror, and said "Oh my god, that's like walking up to a Christian and saying you know, this guy", tilting her head to the side, arms raised as if on a cross, and with her feet criss crossed, and tongue sticking out (not exactly the crucifix they had hanging in catholic school, but a pretty good resemblance). I still can't think about it without my spewing laughter. You know, this guy!

Not one of my more politically correct moments, but you have to picture the two of us trying so hard to be professional, wearing our best corporate wear...imitating various gods and religions in the parking lot.

Anyway, tomorrow we're going shopping at Leela Palace. How do I tell our very sweet, kind, hospitable host that what I really need to find is a little statue of a Hindu god - because it's funny. Not the statue, not the religion, but the memory of the two goofballs who are pushing forty but still acting like idiots the second The Man has his back turned?

A few more pics

http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i60/mattimoosh/Sunday%20in%20India/

Look, Cow!

It's now Sunday morning and of course I'm wide awake at 7:00AM. I didn't fall asleep until 1:00, and six hours later I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. But it's getting better, 6 hours sleep instead of 4 or 5!

Before I give a full run down of Saturday in Mysore, I'd like to overshare for a minute (c'mon, you're all used to it from me). Everyone is very concerned about having Traveler's Stomach issues if they visit a country like India. What almost no one will tell you is that between the different food, lack of sleep, body adjustment, the issue is the exact opposite what you expect. Thank you, thank you, and thank you - Captain's Wife warned me of this, and I packed medication to deal with just such an issue. Of course I didn't want to take it for the first two days, because I refuse to use public restrooms. And a public restroom in a foreign country? Nope, never happen. Never. Anyway...knowing that we had Sunday to rest and relax with no plans, I took my Ambien to try to get a full night's sleep, and then I took my Colace.

Then the full horror of what I had just done sank in. I took Ambien and Colace at the same time. OMG!!!! What was I thinking??? I briefly considered inducing vomiting, but I decided to live on the wild side - because I really need to sleep, and I really need to poop. That was the Ambien talking "Eh, what's the worse thing that could happen - are there any cookies in this room?". Luckily there were no ill side effects, but I really need to be careful on Ambien - smart choices are not made, even on only half a pill.

Yesterday we had breakfast in the hotel, and then headed out to Mysore with two of our offshore coworkers that graciously volunteered to be hosts and guides for the day. What a way to travel - having travel companions that are local show you the ropes is quite the experience. They keep you from overpaying, make sure you stay in only neighborhoods, direct the driver, and show you the best places to eat, as well as make suggestions on things you have to try.

Mysore is about 2.5 hours from the hotel in Bangalore. I don't have nearly the number of pictures I would like - they don't let you take a camera inside the palace - and they have you check it at the gate of the grounds. The palace is surrounded by gardens and Hindu temples. Fun fact - shoes and socks aren't allowed in the palace (or the temples). You have to check your shoes at a stand outside the palace. I really wish I had taken the time to get a pedicure before traveling. I can't possibly do justice to the history or description of the palace, but I found their website. http://www.mysorepalace.in/mysore_palace.htm. The pictures of all of the cows were taken at Chamundi Hills, and the temple at the top http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chamundi_hills

So what about the cows? Why are there so many pictures of them?

Because there are cows roaming around everywhere! I don't mean in picturesque little pastures in the outskirts of cities, I mean everywhere... in the streets, parking lots, on the grass medians and sidewalks in the city of Bangalore (a city of approx. 8 million people). Cows. And they're brazen beasts... the picture above was taken at the temple at Chamundi Hills. Outside the temple they sell little baskets filled with items for offering to the goddess Chamundeeswari. The baskets have coconut, flowers, and bananas. Apparently cows like bananas, this guy was climbing up the steps to get to and offering basket that was unattended. Yes, the locals think you're nuts for wanting to take pictures of every cow that you see. But there are cows - everywhere!!!

I'll post a little later today about food, glorious food - but it's time to hit the shower, explore the hotel a little and see if I can get my room switched to one with a balcony.

More Pics

A post will follow in the morning. Tonight it's Ambien and a hope for 8 hours of sleep. My only complaint (which is pretty minor) is the jet lag, I haven't slept for more than 5 hours each night. It's not debilitating, but it's noticeable. No plans for tomorrow, so I'm going to sleep as much as possible.

http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i60/mattimoosh/India%202010%20-%20Mysore/

I'm rich biatch!

Have you ever withdrawn 10,000 from an ATM? It's nerve racking. Lammie is holding 10,000 INR. 10,000!!!! I've checked the exchange rate four times since the transaction because it's made me so nervous... and it's true. I just took out approximately $220USD. Phew!

Q & A Time!

Q: How's the food?

A: Excellent. Yes, it's spicy, but it's delish!

Q: No, seriously - how's the food?

A: Really, I'm eating nothing but Indian food. Yes, I've stayed away from the pickled things, I already know I don't like the taste (tastes like pickled ass - just ask Rosehawk!). I'm also avoiding lamb - I've had a lamb allergy/reaction since I was a baby. I wanted to test the theory that you can grow out of allergies, but I didn't think of it until a few days before I left - and I don't want to try it when I'm not sure I can get to a decent medical facility, so I'm abstaining. Which is a shame, because it smells yummy. They do have other types of food - our hotel serves Indian, Lebanese, and Italian. I've tried the Lebanese food, and I'm a big fan. Warm beet salad is one of my new favorites. I have not tried the Italian...because it would feel like I'm cheating if I travel all this way to eat Pagliacci's. I did notice that they have a Domino's in the city, as well as Baskin Robbins. I may break down and violate my policy of only Indian food for a little ice cream.

Q: Are you drinking the water?

A: Nope. Well, I've forgotten twice already - drank tap water at work and brushed my teeth this morning in the tap water. There's a good chance I'll wind up with some form of stomach issue before the trip is through.

Q: Do they have bathroom facilities?

A: Yes, but they are different. There's a bidet in the hotel room, and the bathroom at work had a removable shower head on the wall - at seat height. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I suspect it serves the same purpose as the bidet.

Q: Do you have malaria yet?

A: Not yet, but I'm being eaten alive by mosquitos. Yes, I have the special spray for my clothes. Yes, I'm using tons of repellant with DEET. Baron and I will probably never have children at the rate I'm using DEET, but I can't seem to stop the bugs. And yes, I'm taking the Maladrone, but it doesn't necessarily prevent Malaria, just mostly.

Q: Are you using the hand sanitizer I gave you for Christmas?

A: Yes Auntie, I'm using tons of it.

Q: How does it feel to be a cultural minority?

A: Very odd. I feel grossly large and like an ugly American. The majority of the Indian women are very petite, and beautifully dressed in rich jewel tones, with lots of bling. I left my jewelry at home for fear of losing it. International travel is not for those with self-esteem issues!

Q: Back to the food - really? It's okay?

A: Yup, it's still really good. There's rice with everything, generally a very mild Basmati. There's flat bread with everything. Of course there are a lot of curries, but the spiciest seem to be the vegetarian meals - and I've been eating those too. Our hosts have been ordering relatively mild spices for our meals, but there is still a fair amount of spice/heat. It's completely worth any potential tummy issues to see how pleased they are when you're adventurous and try a little of everything. I may be the only person I know who goes to a developing nation and gains 10lbs eating only local cuisine. Please see the previous question, it's not helping my self-esteem issues :)

Big tourist day today, so hopefully I will have many stories to tell when I get back.

More Pics from India

Having a hard time loading the pics, but this should get you to them

http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i60/mattimoosh/India%202010/

I'm in India!!

And the room is beautiful. Seriously beautiful. And they left me a towel elephant strewn with rose petals. Sigh. I could get used to living like this.

So could Lammie...

Day 2 - the brief rundown...

- Woke up at 4:30. Jet lag sucks.
- But it was not in vain, can anyone say "Room Service at a 4 star hotel"??? Yea!
- After a leisurely breakfast of a full fruit platter (papaya, guava, pinapple, strawberries, coffee, fresh squeezed orange juice, wheatberry toast, egg white omelette with tomato headed off to work
- Wow. Traffic in Bangalore is ridonculous. Thank gawd we have a driver and I can close my eyes in the backseat - the 15 km trip takes between 1 - 1 1/2 hours.
- The offshore team is incredibly warm and hospitable, we met for approx 5 hours setting up our work stations, meeting the team, chatting.
- Lunch! Yup, I'm eating only Indian food while I'm here. Not going half way around the world to eat McDonald's! Good thing I like spicy food...
- Oops. I accidentally drank tap water. They put it out with the lunch. It's 8 hours and no ill effects as of yet. Living life on the edge my first full day in a foreign country.
- Worked for another 7 hours. The offshore team are workaholics! Actually, the atmosphere is completely different. The work is longer but slower paced - they work incredibly long hours - no one leaves before 6, and they usually work until 8, but there isn't a real sense of urgency. That's probably been the biggest culture shock, no one is ranting or raving, just steadily plugging away at work.
- 8pm - another harrowing commute through Bangalore. Interesting side note - I can't figure out the use of car horns. They are constantly blaring, it's almost like punctuation... but no one is yelling at each other. It's a very polite impatience, almost like using the horn to say "Excuse me, I'd just like to let everyone know my vehicle is here and I'm traveling. Thank you and have a good day". But they do it every minute or two.
- Got back to the hotel a little before 9pm. No dinner tonight, just this delightful treat that was left in my room.

Okay, I'm off for a cup of tea and some sleep. Hopefully I'll post more details in the morning! I have many stories, but I'm too tired to think straight.