Boo!

I'm back! I know, it's been a long time since I've posted anything, but here I am ready to rant and rave.

Things have heated up at work - the massively long lasting project that's been in development for almost 10 years is in the final sprint to production. Scheduled production date is mid-May. It should be a relief, it should be exhilarating, but... it's not. It's exhausting and frustrating. I usually like this period of time of a project - there's a lot of running around, long hours, fast pace, and I thrive on the adrenaline of it all.

But this is different. We've been working long hours for years, there's been a constant state of panic, we've had so many leadership changes in the last 16 months it's ridiculous - I think the total is 9 managers leaving since Dec 2009 (I heard about another one resigning today, but it's not officially confirmed yet). We are having a vendor change - so the vendor partners that built the system won't be here for implementation. It's review time, and our roles are being restructured with possible tier changes. A lot of change to deal with all at once, at a time when we really need to be focused on getting this product wrapped up and ready for delivery.

And we've been put on mandatory OT. 10+ hour days and weekends. Not a huge deal, to be expected. I average about 50 hours a week most weeks (no where near what many people put in on our project and in the dept) but I'm running between 65-70 hours a week right now. Still no where near what some of my coworkers are putting in.

But here's the ranting and raving part - there are some people that aren't putting in 40 hours. I'm tweaked about it. I know it's none of my business, my job is to do my job and feel like I've put in as much as I can to make the project successful. And yet - one person said that they were just going to log 50 hours a week in to the time sheet and keep working their normal 35 hours just so it keeps management off their back. This person won't have it reflected in their review. Or it might be in the review, but they'll go to HR claiming discrimination and get the ranking changed. Like it was the last time their performance was questioned.

Ugh! I'm just frustrated at the unbalance and unjustness of the situation. I see most of the people I work with sacrificing their personal lives, their "balance", pitching in to help out when someone needs it - even if it means another night without their family, and they are just dead exhausted on their feet - and a few are just taking advantage and coasting.

I should probably just call my mother in the morning - I think it's time to hear the "life isn't fair" lecture. Thanks for listening to me whine. I'm hoping I'll have something a little more positive to say soon!

Finally letting go

The last few weeks have been a flurry of activity: scheduling the next cycle, getting IVF loan approval, selling the few stocks we had, figuring out how much it would cost - all in the name of "one last try".

And then...

Thursday was our 10 year anniversary. We started to realize how much time has been spent postponing our lives hoping for that magical day when we would be parents. We don't schedule vacations, because we've been saving for IVF, and we can never plan because we *might* get pregnant or have an infant then.

Friday Baron was discussing how very old we would be if we ever had a child. He'd be in his mid sixties by the time the mythical child graduated high school. We might now be around long enough to see mythical child get married and have children of their own.

We had a trick or treater last night that just broke my heart. She was severely mentally handicapped. Most likely one of the chromosome abnormalities that was present in our poor little embies. She was in her early teens, but couldn't say Trick or Treat. When I offered her to take what she'd like, her mother explained that the girl couldn't understand, I'd have to put the candy in the bucket for her. It made me really think hard about the types of abnormalities I'm carrying, and I just don't think I'm that strong.

My car broke down today, and I realized how very little emergency funds I was leaving us by going through another cycle that we'd be mostly paying for out of pocket.

It all boils down to, we're done. No more. Off the rollercoaster. Time to let go on the dream and figure out a new one. We've got a great marriage, great friends, and family we love. It's time for us to start living our lives and redefining who we are. We're not parents. I think we're shooting for the little old couple at the beginning of "Up". We'll have adventures, just not the ones we originally thought.

Sigh. It hurts. I know it's the right thing to do, but it hurts. I'm not good at giving up. I don't "fail" at anything I put my heart and soul in to. But we've tried, we've thrown money at it, we've placed our marriage in jeopardy more than once. It's time.

I called the IVF Loan people today to cancel the loan. I'm waiting for them to call me back. As soon as that's square I'll call and cancel with the doctor. Then I'm looking where we should book a mini vacation. We need one.

Cycle was canceled

FUCK!!!!

Yup. That's the nicest thing I've got to say about that. We got the testing results back this afternoon. And it's been confirmed - I'm a genetic cesspool.

Out of the 8 that made it to biopsy for testing...

3 of the embryos had no results. The cell sample they sent had no nucleus to test.

1 girl had Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome)

1 girl had Trisomy 13

2 girls were missing a chromosome (Turner's Syndrome)

There was only one normal embryo - and it was a boy - with a 1 in 4 chance of fatality due to the Bilateral Renal Agenesis.

We're freezing the unknowns and the boy. They may be able to test the unknowns in the future (not in the next few weeks, but possible in a matter of months).

So... we're going to try to take out a loan and try one more cycle retrieving. If the genetics are still this crappy, well then we'll be working on saving up money for lots of nice vacations.

I'm going to spend the next few days licking my wounds, but hopefully back in the saddle in a few weeks.

The count down is on!

I heard from the doctor's office yesterday and final count was 18 eggs, 16 were mature, 10 fertilized!

I'm excited, but trying not to get too excited - it gives us 10 fertilized eggs to work with... but... we're also doing gender selection. Please know that we're not doing gender selection for vanity reasons, we've lost two boys in the last 5 years due to a genetic condition that is 3 times more fatal in boys than girls. Unfortunately, they haven't isolated the gene that causes the condition (Bilateral Renal Agenesis)- but the odds of fatality with another male are about 1 in 4, the odds of fatality with a girl are 1 in 12. I know it's a tricky subject, so I appreciate your support, but ask that you keep any ethical concerns to yourself. Our doctors have agreed it is a valid medical reason and meets all ethical guidelines. Phew, now I've put that out there I feel a little better!

Transfer is scheduled for Friday. We're having testing preimplantation genetic testing done to screen for major chromosomal disorders and gender selection... and we're keeping our fingers crossed that we have enough good quality embryos - We're looking to transfer 2. I've gotten pregnant pretty easily on IUI with Clomid (pregnant 2 out of 3 tries), so I don't really want to take the chance with triplets. Based on my age they recommend 2-3 eggs embryos to transfer, so we're erring on the side of caution with only 2. Who knows? Maybe we'll have enough to do a second transfer if this cycle doesn't work.

Last night was our first progesterone shot (the one intramuscular shot that the baron has to give me)... and it was interesting. I bled a little from the shot, and guess who almost passed out? Hint - it wasn't me!

I'm doing good, a little cramping, trying to hydrate as much as possible with electrolytes to avoid OHSS, but I'm generally uncomfortable. There's a good chance of my working from home if I don't stop with the bloating soon. Yup, I'm not above calling in "fat and nothing to wear" to work!

Retrieval Update

Today's blog is brought to you by the number 18!!!! That's not a typo. Eighteen. Retrieval went really well, they were able to retrieve 18 eggs. I'm still a little dopey from the anesthesia, so this may be a little disjointed, but it went well. Tomorrow we should find out how many fertilized, and Friday we'll do the transfer.

On a strange karma / good omen note... One of Dad's friends from India posted pictures of him this morning. How weird is that? It was such perfect timing, it's like he was watching over us today.

Headed to the couch to go back to sleep, but wanted to share the good day...

Holy Follies!!!

I couldn't wait until I get home to share... I have NINE little follicles ready to go! They said I needed at least 4 that measured over 1.0cm to continue on to retrieval... and I've got 4 that are almost at 1.5, another 4 are over 1.0, and 1 little guy that's at .96

It looks like I'm responding very well to the meds and egg retrieval may take place this weekend.

I'm scared to even say it...but I'm feeling really good about the whole thing.

Just a Fly-by

Quick update for the inquiring minds...

Lupron suppression part of the cycle sucked. I was depressed, "flat", and it was a general preview of menopause. Blech.

I'm on all the stimulation meds now and going for blood work and testing every other day. Compared to the suppression meds... stim meds rock! Yeah, I look like a pincushion, I'm bruised all over my stomach from the injections, my arms look those of a junkie, I'm bloated beyond belief, I'm exhausted - but mentally/emotionally - I feel great!

Things of note with the shots:
- They give you a drawing where you're supposed to inject... luckily, I have a huge fat roll right there, no chance of missing the spot 2 inches below the belly button
- My arms really do look like a junkie's. I went for blood work yesterday, and they refused to take blood from the good arm because it's too bruised and they wanted it to have a few days to heal - but the "bad" arm has veins that always jump and collapse, so it looks twice as bad as the good arm after one blood draw
- The first night on all the stim meds took me an hour to figure out how to do all the shots, it's down to about 15 mins now
- I've only been on the stim meds since Thursday, and I'm really bloated. If my stomach expands too much more, I'm going to start calling in fat/nothing to wear to work

Tomorrow is the first appointment where they'll be able to see how many little follicles are growing, keep your fingers crossed! I'm having nightmares that there won't be enough eggs to do the retrieval and this will all be for naught, but there's no sense worrying about things that are out of my control.

Off to nap and stab myself a few more times. Hopefully this time next week I'll be scheduled for retrieval and down to just one shot a day. Right now I'm on 3, and I'm running out of space to inject that isn't already bruised.