It's been a strange week here in Mooshland. 3 odd encounters via FB. Everyone's had them - when all of the sudden voices from your past crawl out of the woodwork. I'm usually pleasantly surprised by those voices, it brings me back to happy memories of my youth. But every once in a while... they throw me for a loop.
Encounter 1
Senior Prom Date (now known as SPD). Ack! Seriously? Does anyone actually want to be reminded of high school? SPD was a nice guy, we were good friends, neither of us had a date, so went as buddies. SPD kinda freaked out, wasn't having a good time, and left me sans ride home at the prom. That's a harsh version - truth is, I probably was caught up in my own little world, and didn't notice that he wasn't having a good time, and should have paid more attention. I got an email from him this week apologizing. I apologized right back. I missed having SPD as a friend - he's smart, funny, and seems to be leading a fabulous life traveling and carousing. It silly though - before he said something, I was nervous about posting prom pics - was worried I'd get a reply to take them down or that he was still angry about it. Sigh. How is it possible 20 years later the thought of high school still makes me insecure?
Encounter 2
This one isn't much of an encounter, but still a shock. Senior year and in to college, I was best friends with a girl (hmm... she always wore Scarlett Gold lipstick, so we'll call her Scarlett). In college, she went to schools out of state, and I stayed around here. We started to drift apart. And she wrote me a break up letter listing every single personality and character flaw of mine. Everything she said was true, but it was mean, petty and spiteful. We were already drifting apart, there was no need for a big final ending. I guess she needed closure, or to feel self righteous. Whatever. It hurt at the time, but I never replied or acknowledged it when I saw her around town. I was pleasant, said hi, but never stopped to chat. She's the big reason I have never gone to the reunions. This week she friended me. No note, just a friend request, and true to form, I just accepted with no email. Polite acknowledgment. (In case you're wondering what the character flaws were - they're the same as they are now. I'm not a great friend. I can't stand high maintenance friendships. I don't return all phone calls, only when I feel like talking. I'm sarcastic, which comes off mean. My caustic humor unintentionally hurts people, and I don't realize it.) I really did think high school was over, but apparently I'm doomed to repeat it this week. And I feel just as awkward as I did 20 years ago.
Encounter 3
This is the one that's really thrown me for a loop. Most of you know that "Dad" was my step father. Dad was in my life for 30 years, he raised me, and I shared more in common with him than anyone else in my family. Well, there was a Bio-Dad at one point in time. We didn't really know or understand each other very well. Once a month visits, always awkward, full of angst and heartbreak all around. By the time I was 18, we had very little contact with one another. I still tried to see some of his family, but they always wanted to fix our relationship, and by the time I was 21, I stopped all contact with them. Including my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and the 9 cousins. It was nothing personal, just easier to stop contact than to keep trying to fix a relationship that wasn't making anyone happy. The last semi- contact I had with anyone from that side of the family was sneaking in to the funeral home to pay my respects when my grandfather died a few years ago. Oh sure, every couple of years I run in to someone who knows a member of the family (especially because a few of them work in the same industry) and puts the names together, but nothing's ever come of it. A few vague comments and people get the hint that the topic isn't really up for discussion.
Anyway, I'm one of 10 cousins. The oldest. There are 3 of that are within 14 months in age. Cousin #2 lives out of state, but we got along the best. I think of her frequently, and would probably look her up if it didn't mean opening the door to the whole family. No ill wishes toward the fam, just have no idea what I'd say to any of them, and no need for the mythical closure that everyone seems to seek out these days. Cousin #3 lives in state. You may have heard me refer to her in conversations as "The Pincher". We did not get along. Polar opposites. She was loud, hyper, and constantly pinching or hitting. I was quiet and shy, which labeled me stuck up to the rest of the fam. She would cause trouble, and I would get yelled at for it, because I was the oldest.
Guess which one hit me up on FB yesterday? That's right, The Pincher. An email about how she loves me, misses me, and didn't tell anyone in the family that she contacted me, so we can keep it between just us (and now the 3 of you who read the blog). What the heck do I say to her? I haven't spoken to her in approx 20 - 25 years. I have no idea who she is. I'm assuming she grew out of the habit of pinching people, because let's face it - that's the kind of social awkwardness people notice when we're pushing 40, but still! That's the characteristic I remember most vividly about her.
And what's with co-conspirator nonsense? Any family member could find me easily enough, I'm not hiding. I live less than 20 miles from where I grew up, most of my relatives still live in the area, it's not like I joined the Peace Corps and live in Uganda. Not to mention, I have a coworker that is very close friends with Bio-Dad, she announced this my first day in the department 12 years ago. She was very bouncy about the whole thing, but backed off a day or two later, I'm guessing Bio-Dad told her he wasn't really interested in the relationship either (no offense to the coworker or Bio-Dad. Coworker has been graceful enough to never mention it again after that first week, and again, I don't harbor any ill will toward Bio-Dad, I just don't know him). How do I reply? If I ignore, I'm a bitch for not replying, and the family just keeps thinking what they've always thought of me. If I reply, it opens a door that I thought was shut, locked, and the key lost in a river somewhere.
Encounter 4
I may have said there were only 3, but I lied. I repeatedly have someone trying to friend me, but I have no idea who they are. After the 5th friend request, and hitting "ignore" once again, I did a little digging. It's someone I met on a message board after we lost the babies. I'm not sure how she got my real name - maybe she's friending everyone in her email list? I don't know how I feel about this. Yes, we had the losses, and at the time it was easier for me to talk to people over the Internet than to talk to my friends and family who shared my pain. I spent a lot of time on a particular message board for people who had second and third trimester losses due to genetic conditions. I only vaguely remember this person, but I really don't have a great memory of that time in my life. But we got through it. The Baron and I are in a good place now. We've accepted the losses as part of our life, but it isn't our whole lives. I admire people who take something like this and try to champion a meaningful cause as a way to turn the pain in to something positive, but that's not me. When we first had the losses, I participated in a few groups, but something Dad said resonated with me. We were sitting in my parent's backyard, having a drink, and he said "I'd hate to see this become your whole life and what defines you as a person. You have a lot of living left to do". I took it to heart (he sure was a smart guy!). It's part of me, but it's not all of me. I think the same might not be true for this person. I guess I'll just keep politely declining. I hope all is well for her, and that she has found something to give her life meaning, but I'm in a different place.
To recap: I feel like a fish out of water this week. Every little sticking point is rearing it's ugly head - High School, College, Bio-Family, the losses. Ugh. I really wish I had my anonymity back. Today I think I preferred the world before FB - when I could remain slightly distanced and observe rather than participate. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.
Wow! I had a lot to say! I go 6 weeks without posting, and now I'm a chatterbox.
