Today is one of the "quahog" days - when something lifts you up in the air, you're feeling great, only to be smashed against the rocks and left to the carrion eaters.
Mom was supposed to be visiting a friend for a few days this week. I was going to have peace and quiet for 3 days. I made my arrangements for work - Thursday and Friday, half days from home. I'd be done with work by 10-10:30 in the morning, and have the days free to spend at my leisure (sleep, read, play computer games, ignore housework, go out to lunch...)
Nope, not happening. She messed up the weeks - it's not until next week. When I have a major migration of code at work and expect to be working obnoxious hours. I'll be lucky if I'm home by 7 or 8 most nights next week.
Ugh! I'm feeling the need for margaritas and rock band soon - who's with me???
I'm so excited about tonight, it's ridiculous. Wine, snacks, girlfriends, and Rock Band!! I'm starting to come down with a cold, but there's no way it's stopping me from tonight. We're rocking out - in our jammies.
I've been thinking... I'm bringing my camera, it's time to start documenting the goofiness. I've spent most of my life avoiding being in pictures, I'm always too self conscious. I think this is the year I'm going to try to change it. It's just a picture. I want to be able to look back on the pictures and laugh at all the good times. So what if I'm too chunky? Who cares if I'm in my best Starfleet Academy sweat pants with no make up on? That's me. So be it. It's time to stop constantly worrying about what other people think, and just enjoy my life.
So I joined the world of Facebook last night. And what did I find there? Why the people who read this blog and that I keep in touch with on a regular basis, my irl friends, and... THE HORROR!!! My high school is having a reunion soon for my class. My TWENTY year reunion!
But it was a lot of fun going through the pictures and laughing. Some people look the same (I do - just more grays a few more pounds, but instantly recognizable, and I still close my eyes when I smile), and some people look so vastly different that I wouldn't know them if they came up and bit me on the nose... Hard to tell how much people have really changed in terms of looks tho, because it was the era of big, huge, permed out hair.
I got tagged by one of the reunion committee members almost immediately (that'll learn me to put in personally identifying information) but after a few minutes of digging through pictures, I feel like I was already there.
Oh, and how to feel instantly popular? Join Facebook. Apparently there are scores of people out there dying to say hello. I feel special in a "hey, it's nice to post a single sentence asking how you are, but I'm never going to actually write you or meet to hang out" type of way. Which is awesome for me. You guys know how much I suck at keeping in touch!
It's February 1st. Time to evaluate the first month of the year... and it was BUSY!! I've finally come back out of my hidey-hole and started seeing my friends again, going to the gym, paying attention to the world around me... and I'm tired.
I have spent the entire weekend doing practically nothing, and it's been wonderful. Yesterday was the first day since Dec 20th that I chose not to leave the house at all, blew off all obligations, and napped. It's 3 pm on Sunday, and there's a pretty good chance that today will be more of the same. The dog is giving me that look, you know the one "Come on mommy, the couch is comfy, there's plenty of food in the freezer, you know you want to..."
And it's everything that I hoped it would be. Sheer heaven. Tomorrow I'll go back to burning the candle at both ends, but for today, I'm going to just be. Who says I haven't learned anything from my yoga and meditation class????
Did you ever get so caught up in your own bad self-esteem and petty life drama, that you forget the impact that you have on other people? It happens to me all the time. I'm an extrovert, but in times of extreme stress I become a hermit, and isolate myself from everyone. I've done that quite a bit over the last few years, but have made a New Year's resolution to do a little bit better with that this year.
To that end, I was cleaning out my email and trying to figure out who I owe email to, who I owe phone calls to, who are the most neglected of my peoples that need attention first.... and I came across an email I received 10 weeks ago. From a long lost male friend, someone who was pre-baron. Someone I was crazy about, but that I perhaps did not treat the way a person should be treated. Huh. It was basically trying to find out if I am who he thought I was (he saw me through my myspace page).
So...let's play a game of Devil's Advocate...what would you do? Would you send a reply back? Would you just chalk up to someone closing in on age 40 and trying to evaluate their life? Would you think it's a breach of trust with the baron (even though I'm reading this to him as I type it, so it's really not a matter of not disclosing). Okay ladies, I'll be eagerly looking at the comments to see what you would do.
Pretty much sums it up these days. I know, I know... I haven't returned emails, phone calls, but it's taking pretty much everything in me to get up and shower in the morning.
Here's what's going on. Gram was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia, heart attacks, and her general declining health. Both of you who read the blog know that I deal with all of the phone calls when it comes to her health, and tried to be a good girl and visit every other day, taking Mom with me several times. Not fun. She was at the same hospital Dad died in. Mom did okay, but it was really tough on both of us Gram made it through, and she's back at the nursing home.
Meanwhile on the homefront, the Baron and I had a complete relationship meltdown. Epic proportions for a few days. I was having anxiety attacks for a few days, and wound up working from home at least once because I thought I was going to stroke out.
Oh yeah, and if you watch the news, read the paper, or don't live under a rock... you also know that the company I work for is in serious jeopardy - not a good time for me not to be putting in my best performance at work. Terrified I'm going to lose my job.
So I backed off from Mom and Auntie for a few days, trying to straighten my life out and get my head back together. Mom was so good about it, but the visits to the hospital to see Gram really through her out of whack. Flash forward a week, and Mom hadn't really slept or eaten since I saw her 6 days ago. Not good. We hugged, we cried, we took medication, finally got Mom to sleep, with the promise that she wouldn't stay alone in the house for a few days, she'd go down to my other Aunt's house to stay.
And yesterday when I talked to her (3 days after the meltdown) she had been at my aunt's a few days.... and she's decided that's it. She's not sleeping at her house ever again. She's officially moved. I knew it was coming, but I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. My parent's house is never going to be my parent's house again. Pretty soon she won't own it any longer. I can't stop crying about it. I may be pushing toward 40, been on my own since my early 20's, but dammit, Mom and Dad's house was always home! I won't be able to just swing by when I have a bad day. I won't be able to just let myself in and raid the goodie cabinet.
And the worse part is, the part that my head still can't wrap around... I'll never see Dad sitting on the oversized chair watching t.v.. I'll never see him at the computer playing his games on Pogo. I'll never again kvetch with him about work acquaintances, or how the whole place is going to hell in a hand basket. I'll never see any of his tacky Christmas decorations hung all over the house. It all finally seems real, and I can't stand it.
All this whining, and that stupid Monty Python song is ringing in my ears. Come on everybody, whistle along with me...
Most of the people who may actually peek in on this blog know that I love mixed tapes. Hell, most of you have received a mixed tape from me (I know, I know, they're cd's now - but they harken back to the angst of my teen years, and will forever be mixed tapes, regardless of the format). So this post from RoseHawk made me think about a new mix.
I've been thinking for a bit about a mix that reminds me of Dad, but it's just a little too soon. So I'm going back a little further. Back to when we lived in the tiny apartment above my grandparent's. Back to the 70's. Back when there was very little drama or grief in my life. We were poor, but I was a kid and didn't notice, everyone I knew was poor. Gas shortages meant a nap in the car and singing with the radio while we waited in line. There was always music playing. Saturdays were devoted to house cleaning while dancing around and singing (a habit I still have today, while the dog barks ferociously at me - he has no concept of how good my voice sounds in my head).
Anyone want to help? I usually have a bit more of a theme when I make my mixed tapes - so if you're a child of the 70's do you have any songs that you still can't resist singing along with if you happen to catch it on the radio?
Feel free to make the comments anonymous if you can't face the shame of knowing all the lyrics... there's more than one on this list that makes me cringe posting for all the world to see
Pina Colada Song - Rupert Holmes Copacabana - Barry Manilow Love Will Keep Us Together - The Captain and Tenille Rock the Boat - The Hues Corporation Bennie and the Jets - Elton John You're No Good - Linda Ronstadt Here You Come Again - Dolly Parton I'm A Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock n Roll - Donny and Marie Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard - Paul Simon
I just went through my fridge to determine what I need for this week's grocery shopping, and there are 11 full meals in my freezer! Mac n cheese, chicken soup, bigos, and meat sauce. I'm doing a little happy dance here... I don't have to cook every single night this week! AND there's a chance I might actually make it to the gym after work. It's sad, but there is true joy at the thought that I might not be racing around after work every night this week to put dinner on the table.
Anyone else have a few small joys in life to celebrate this week?
Second post in a day - what's the world coming to????
All this talk about the Baron's family being very Polish, and mine not so much brought back a funny memory. Addressing wedding invitations. Honest to God - one side of my family has Smith the other has Jones for last names. No big shockers, maybe the occasional unusual spelling of a common first name.
Baron's family? - Lord help me, I would call and ask people to spell things out very slowly for many, many hours. They had to think that he was marrying a moron. Oh, there's the pre-requisite "-ski" in a few of the last names, but there is one that has M, L, J, D, Z, N, K and at least 5 vowels. I still couldn't spell the name today even if there was a gun pointed at my head. Funny thing is... every time I talked to a different family member, I'd get a different spelling (or at least I wrote it down differently every time!). My apologies continue to go out to the family, many years of marriage later, I can pronounce it, but I have no clue how to spell it.
Even the first names were difficult. I distinctly remember looking at Baron one night and asking "What's a Ginzi?" Mr. or Mrs. ?
Anyone have a favorite family name that they want to pass down through the generations? Or a name that they believe to be an evil joke?
Personally, I'd never hyphenate a child's first name. Seems to have been a small trend in the 70's, that has thankfully passed (it's not really evil, just a bit traumatic filling out paperwork in school when you don't have a middle name).
About 8 months ago, my husband stopped drinking. Life was getting hard to manage, our marriage was in a terrible state, and we were both running from our problems in different ways. His involved a lot of drinking. One horrible night it all changed. But it's changed for the better. He decided to stop drinking entirely. No easing off a bit, no cutting back. Not a single sip of alcohol in over 8 months.
I'm very proud of him. It takes a lot of courage, and he's done it with grace. He still hangs out with people who drink, he never tries to make anyone else feel bad about their drinking. He not preachy about it. He just sits quietly and drinks soda.
I've tried really hard to be supportive of his choice, and not add to his stress level about it. I generally don't drink around him. It's had the side effect of my not drinking much at all. Generally 1 or 2 drinks out with friends, and then I'm done. We don't hang out at bars together, and I try to encourage him to go out to activities that don't focus on drinking (while his dart league is at bars, it's still an activity he can focus on rather than just drinking). We don't have beer in the fridge anymore, and only wine that I use for cooking.
Anyway, there's a point to this story. I thought I'd been a good wife, doing all the right things to support his decision. And then he comes down stairs this morning.
Husband: "That new soap in the bathroom... it doesn't smell like pink grapefruit".
Me(slightly irritated, why doesn't he like the freakin soap, it was on sale!!): "Yes, it does. What do you think it smells like?"
Husband: "It smells exactly like Southern Comfort".
Me:(really irritated) "No it doesn't. But if you want, we can switch it with the one in the kitchen."
Husband: "No, seriously it does. I'll prove it". Goes to the cabinet, pulls out an old bottle of SoCo, and makes me smell it... at 9am.
Me:"Oh God! I can't believe all these months of sobriety, and I'm sabotaging it with the hand soap!!!!".
It's true. Method brand hand soap, pink grapefruit scent smells exactly like Southern Comfort. Eeeek! That poor man, I've been sabotaging him all week with his greatest weakness... the scent of SoCo. Bad wife, bad, bad, bad!
I'm a list person. So are most of my friends, Exhibit A: First comment on my blog, listed 1-3, gotta love the logical mind! I have random lists all over my house and at work. Grocery lists, to-do lists, home improvement lists, self-improvement lists, some are random things to remember. Occasionally I find lists that are months old floating around that have completely lost their context. My favorite was a few years old on my desk at work:
1)Fear 2)Surprise 3)Ruthless Efficiency 4)An almost fanatical devotion to the Pope
Today's list is a little less ambitious:
1)Write blog 2)Vacuum!!! (They can no longer be called dust bunnies. They're woolly mammoths) 3)Visit Gram at the nursing home 4)Lunch with Mom and Auntie to talk about Gram's health care. Remain calm, mediate, do not get emotional. 5)Weed the front walkway 6)Laundry 7)Log in to work and finish estimates 8)Find a new recipe or two and plan out dinners for the week
Item 4 may actually require fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency...
Ta-da! The creation of a blog. Unfortunately, I have not written a single item that I've been proud to put my name in approximately 10 years. Worse still...I highly suspect that the journals/stories/articles I wrote then were quite bad. I was young, and full of angst that all seemed so very important, but now feels extremely mundane. When, I ask, WHEN did I grow up, lose my flair for the dramatic, and become such a boring person?
Oh well, I guess I'll give it a try. 30 days of blogging to see if I can find my voice again. It's got to be easier than Sudoku, right? Right?
